Michael Gross is the Victorian Speaker of The Year for 2002, a former teacher of fifteen years, and a father of three teenage boys. He has written sixteen books, and over three hundred newspaper columns on parenting and raising happy, confident children.

"My child is driving me crazy. If he doesn't change his ways soon I am out of here!"

Does this sound familiar?

Most parents at some stage are driven to distraction by one or more of their children's annoying habits or behaviours, whether it is a toddler who continually whines, a school-aged child who leaves clothes lying around or a teenager with a less than pleasant mouth.

How to affect change is a challenge for many parents. Do I ignore a child's annoying behaviour or do I pick up on it is a quandary we all face. Some behaviours are best ignored, however this can take considerable wisdom and patience. My rule of thumb is to pick up on behaviours that are dangerous to the child himself or significantly infringe on the rights and comfort of others. I also take into account the child age and stage - Is this behaviour reasonable for the child's age? It is also useful to take into account the child's current state of mind (My son recently finished his final year's exams so we let quite a bit of less agreeable behaviour go in an effort to maintain peace and harmony).

As a guide to changing children's behaviour I am going to share with you what I consider are four keys that will work if you are both patient and persistent.

Here is the four part plan to change children's behaviour:

Step one: Change your initial response first. This is important because children's behaviour generally requires a pay-off, which may be your attention or an attempt to defeat you. The most important principle about changing children's behaviour is to change your own behaviour first.

Step two: Practise with your child the behaviour that you want. I remember when my children were young the ring of the telephone was a signal for them to get my attention. I suggested some activities that they could do to keep them busy when I was on the phone. But suggesting wasn't enough. We practised the activities that they could do. E.g. role played the phone ringing and the children getting out toys, puzzles or doing other things to keep themselves busy. This had fantastic results! The notion of behaviour rehearsal is fundamental to learning a new behaviour. Don't just tell kids what you expect, get them to practise the behaviour you want.

Step three: Minimise the behaviour you don't want. That means when children continue their old behaviour despite your brilliant suggestions ignore it, sidestep it or implement a consequence but don't nag or harp on it. Remember it takes time often to change a behaviour, particularly if it has been happening for a long time.

Step four: Spotlight the appropriate behaviour. When your children behave in the desired way - in my example keep themselves busy rather than annoy me when the phone rings - show your sincere appreciation. We often take children for granted or rather we are trained to give children no attention when they are good, but plenty when they are less than perfect. The behaviours we focus on expand so we need to focus our attention on desirable behaviours more than on the negative behaviours.

There it is. Like any process it will only work if you stick to it and follow it through. And don't be afraid to adapt it to suit your circumstances. Remember, it is the fact that you have a plan rather than the nature of the plan that is most powerful in achieving a change in your children's behaviour.